Here are people who shouldn’t be allowed to hike.

Now that hiking season is over for me (what up snow in the mountains, I don’t want to be in you), it’s time for me to rant about people who hike. We did a bunch of hiking this year and saw a lot of interesting hikers wearing interesting garments.

I’m definitely not an expert in hiking, not by a long shot, but I do have something called common sense that a lot of people on the mountain apparently don’t seem to have. And okay, so hiking common sense is a thing that isn’t expected among humans, but before you go for a hike, maybe enter into the google box ‘hiking for dummies’ or ‘preparing for a hike’ or ‘hiking: are flip flops a thing I should wear?’

Which is a solid segue into person number one who should not be allowed to hike.

Yeah girl, rock those flip flops on a 2 hour hike.

At the end of our hike up Johnston Canyon in August, we saw a woman starting her hike in flip flops. OLD NAVY FLIP FLOPS. I don’t care that Johnston Canyon is an easy hike, it’s still in the mountains, a solid 2 hours, lots of roots and shit sticking out of the ground, and you know, IT’S FUCKING HIKING. How is that comfortable?

Hey do you know what’s in the mountains?
Rocks.
Dirt.
Bears.
Cougars.
Cougars, the animal.
Unpredictable weather.
But also bears, tho.

I would love to see Flip Flop Girl try to get away from a bear. Because you KNOW bitch is gonna run away screaming when she sees one instead of calmly backing away from it. SOMETHING YOU ALSO LEARN ON THE GOOGLE. Okay…let’s be real….it would take everything in my power to not pull a Flip Flop Girl and run away screaming from a bear.

We also saw another Flip Flop Girl in Nova Scotia on a hike. In October. The weather was pretty fantastic but not….flip flop through the woods fantastic.

It seems like every hike we do, there’s one stupid idiot wearing flip flops. And it’s always a woman.

Enjoy your sexy blistered and ruined feet, babygirl.

That dress is also a solid choice.

There isn’t a dress on this planet that I would wear while hiking. I know there ARE hiking dresses and skirts out there but they appeal to me zero percent. But this dress I saw Chick wearing is….ridiculous.

hiking fools

So I thought, OKAY IT’S PART OF A WEDDING. But nope. The people she was with were in shorts and t-shirts and hiking apparel. So I thought, OKAY SHE’S DOING A PHOTOSHOOT. But nope, no one she was with had a camera or camera shit. Nor did we see any camera shit set up on our hike.

Bitch was just wearing a fancy dress while hiking.

INTERESTING choice.

But also maybe be more conscious about what you’re wearing even if it is pants.

Again, back in Nova Scotia, there were some interesting apparel choices whilst hiking. It’s not like we were traipsing across fucking Mount Everest, but, I can’t imagine hiking in anything other than what I would wear on a chilly run.

  1. Runners.
  2. Fitness leggings.
  3. Workout bra.
  4. Workout top.
  5. Workout long sleeve shirt.
  6. Some kind of fitness-y sweater/jacket/vest, pending weather.
  7. Maybe a toque, maybe some gloves.

YOU NEVER KNOW. BRING ALL THE THINGS.

But I’m not going to wear some ridiculous fashionable clothing, which is what a lot of the younger generation is doing. And I know exactly why these people are wearing what they’re wearing – “do it for the gram.”

Totally a saying I rock on occasion, 60% jokingly, 40% with a bit a seriousness. If you don’t know what that means, it’s something us millennials say when referring to taking extra measures to create the perfect picture for Instagram. Ha ha. I hate me.

So yeah, fairly certain these fashionable hiker idiots are wearing what they’re wearing because Instagram and everyone sucks including me.

shitty hikers

The greatest part about seeing all these outfits on Johnston Canyon is that a massive storm was rolling in right when we were finished. And the rain got REAL.

Hahaha how cool do you fuckers look NOW? ENJOYING THOSE FLIPPY FLOPPYS YET?

Other things you shouldn’t wear on a hike that I have seen and makes me weep.

  1. High heels: Yep. YEP. HIGH HEELS. ON A HIKE. IN THE MOUNTAINS.
  2. Perfume: Before we went on a hike, I used the facilities. A chick was putting on perfume.
  3. Flats: Please just wear runners or hiking shoes. PLEASE.

People should definitely go off trail.

Every once in a while, there are times you CAN go off trail and explore a wee bit, but here’s the thing….children PROBABLY shouldn’t. Especially when they’re climbing up a very steep area right next to a sign that says “please stay on the trail.” The fucking thing is, the signs are there for your safety (NERD!) but more importantly because I hate people: they’re there to prevent us shitty humans to get all up in natures business and damage the shit out of it.

So whilst hiking in Canmore, this damn kid was climbing up between a switchback and it was hella steep. His mom was standing right there watching him. And it was a fact that if the kid stepped incorrectly or the shit he grabbed onto was loose, little fucker was going down and not yellin’ timber a la Kesha because he would have landed on his stupid head and died.

SURE, A TOUCH DRAMZ, but Jesus Christ, why are people so flippant about THE RULES OF THE MOUNTAINS. Like, it’s not a stupid jungle gym at McDonald’s where if you fall, y’all gon land in the pee ball pit. Nope, your final destination is the hospital! How cute!

GOD forbid I say anything like “hey you might not want your kid climbing this wildly steep area….” because what the hell do I know about parenting/MIND YA DAMN BUSINESS CAROLYN.

Another damn kid saw something in the bush off the path and decided to start running into it. His family just stood back and watched and laughed all HA HA HA LOOK HA HA HA AWWW HE’S SO CUTE BEING ALIVE HA HA HA. And then they all started pointing at something just past Damn Kid that was probably a deer and probably the reason he ran in there to begin with. But they still all laughed and were like HA HA HA AWW THAT’S A CUTE DEER THAT IS VERY MUCH BIGGER THAN DAMN KID HA HA HA MAYBE HE’LL STOMP ON HIS FACE HA HA HA.

God everyone sucks but me.

In Nova Scotia, on the Skyline Trail, they’re trying to grow out the vegetation surrounding the boardwalk. There are signs everywhere saying “ouch, please don’t step outside the boardwalk, we’re trying to grow!” but enter fucking grown ass humans who are like LOL IT’S FINE, IT’S JUST ME! Because definitely you are the only person who fucking thinks that. And he stomped all over the damn vegetation.

Because he was a lot bigger than Husband Graeme and I, we decided not to say anything. Ugh. I just. Like. Why. WHY. ALSO THERE IS A GIANT CLIFF RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU WHICH IS ANOTHER REASON YOU PROBABLY SHOULD GO PAST THE GODDAMN BOARDWALK YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Headphones: for sure a good choice.

This one could be up for debate but one of the main things on every list of What Not To Do On A Hike is Don’t Wear Headphones. And I think this is very obvious. Especially if you’re alone.

BEARS.

GUYS.

THERE ARE BEARS IN THE MOUNTAINS.

Also other wildlife and other dangers and other things. You need to be aware of your surroundings! How is that rocket science! ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE ALONE. If you’re out with other people and hiking at your own pace and shit, fine, wear your headphones. But the people who walked by us with headphones on were all alone.

BEARS.

Get the fuck out of the way, please.

When you see someone coming up or going down the very tight path and your entire crew is ass parked in the middle of said path and can clearly see our moving asses coming at ya, get out of the way.

MOVE. DON’T JUST KEEP YOUR PARKED ASS PARKED THERE IN THE DAMN WAY WHILE MY HUSBAND AND I DO THE AWKWARD SHUFFLE RIGHT PAST YOUR PARKED ASS IN THE PARKED ASS WAY SLIPPIN’ AND SLIDDIN’ ALL OVER THE PLACE.

And of course I have to Canadian it up by saying “excuse me…sorry…thanks…” while you tell your parked ass kids to move their parked asses while slightly moving your parked asses out the way. Just….why. When you are coming to a full stop, stop to the side of the path.

COMMON.

SENSE.

EXPLORE IT.

FIND IT.

LIVE IT.


Anywho, that’s my rant for today. Let’s just all be a little more cautious and not ridiculous when we go hiking. It’s not that hard. It’s REALLY not that hard.

GOD I LOVE BEING PERFECT.

shitty hikers

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