On adulting and bagels.

I suck.

That’s very apparent. It’s been about a month since I’ve written and every once in a while I think to myself, self, you should write and maybe not be the worst blogger ever. But then I also think YEAH BUT SITTING AND DOING NOTHING IS ALSO FUN TOO.

That’s not true, I’m on a ridiculous fitness kick where I’m basically tired all the time. And then I feel like I have nothing to write about, which is mostly true, so I don’t want to FORCE a writing thing out. I walked to yoga tonight and realized I have a story to tell. And by story I mean…not…a story but I have this ability to turn anything into a story as I’m the most verbose asshole.

On Adulting.

It’s a good thing I live close to the yoga studio I’m currently attending because tonight I thought it would be an awesome change of pace if I wore my shorts inside out and backwards. Like, okay. You have to give me backwards. Sometimes that’s a thing. Probably. But inside out? How did I not immediately know that?

I figured it out almost the second I walked outside. I tried to put my key in my pocket only to realize someone had stolen the pockets out of these shorts. Who the hell. Then I stopped and reached inside my shorts only to realize the pockets were still missing. Genuinely thinking someone ripped my pockets out, I reached to the outside back as I thought for sure my shorts were on backwards.

Nope. Pockets MIA. Reached inside back and there the pockets lived. I definitely could have been booked for indecent exposure or whatever Pee Wee Herman was arrested for. I WAS NOT FONDLING MYSELF.

Since I was running a touch late (I was busy sitting), I couldn’t go back inside to switch around my shit. I assumed no one would notice, I was correct, so I sauntered on over to the studio.

Do you know what adults can probably do? Wear their clothing properly.


On bagels.

I’ve been having a love affair with bagels for the past month. I have them all the time. Which is something I need to plan out as I have a slight case of gluten intolerance. This super fun awesome time newfangled DISEASE had a party in my body last year and has overstayed its welcome. It came out of nowhere. I have been Randy Orton’d by gluten.

It’s very annoying, as bread was a major food group in my life and I cannot live without pasta in my face at least once a week. I also love that famous people decided that a gluten free diet is the way people should live their lives as now I have been known to be on the receiving end of a nonchalant “oh yeah” when I mention it to strangers/people who don’t know me very well. Aka not believing or thinking it’s a diet fad I’m going through or assuming it’s all in my head.

It’s weird. It’s weird that people think I’m making this shit up.

But! Because it’s just a slight intolerance, I was told by my doctor (not even a fake one!) that I can have ONE gluten thing a day if I so need to. YES THANK YOU I SO NEED TO. So I’ll have a sandwich OR a bagel OR 2 beers OR pasta. But I can’t have All The Gluten! in a day like I used to. Non-believers, why don’t you invite me over, I’ll eat a loaf of bread and I’ll make our hang sesh out to be an awkward occasion. Want to know what it’s like to shit your ass after looking pregnant? Develop an intolerance to gluten!

Knowing that I can have A Gluten once a day, I’ve replace beer with bagels. I KNOW. It was a really tough decision as my inner alcoholic craved beer almost on the daily, but now that I’ve become a lover of cider, I changed having empty calories to delicious calories.

How good are bagels, man? Especially since I don’t fuck around with kinds and I go for the really good ones from the farmers market. Because DELICIOUS. And then I’ll load it up all fancy as fuck and murder it for breakfast.




Breakfast is the best part of the day, let’s be real. You just slept a lot AND you get to eat immediately if you…eat…breakfast immediately….I would recommend it. I love how there are so many ways to eat a bagel and they’re all acceptable.

Just like drinking mimosas at 9am. ACCEPTABLE.


3 Responses

  1. For the past 4 years I’ve lived on a carb free diet – no bread, potatoes, rice, sweets – I have to be very strict. If I relax for a few days and help myself to some chips and ice cream, I put on loads of weight and gain a belly of jabba the hut proportions. Beer at the weekends doesn’t count, of course.
    Oh and don’t worry about the length of time between blogs. As long as you keep blogging, that’s fine.

  2. I think I would lose what’s left of my mind if I had to cut out gluten. (Of course, now that I’ve typed that out and jinxed myself, I’m going to get a call from my doctor.) I don’t think I could even operate in a “if I so need to” moderation mode. You are a brave and intrepid warrior, wearing armor that is inside out and backwards…

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