I will never watch this movie.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I give you Yoga Hosers.

Thanks, Jess, for letting me know about this movie. Here’s the synopsis on Rotten Tomatoes:

“15-year-old yoga-nuts Colleen Collette and Colleen McKenzie love their smart phones and hate their after school job at Manitoban convenience store Eh-2-Zed. But when an ancient evil rises from beneath Canada’s crust and threatens their big invitation to a Grade 12 party, the Colleens join forces with the legendary man-hunter from Montreal named Guy Lapointe to fight for their lives with all seven Chakras, one Warrior Pose at a time.”

  1. Why are they both named Colleen. Why does this need to be a thing.
  2. “love their smart phones and hate their after school job” YOU DON’T SAY.
  3. The convenience store is named Eh-2-Zed. The movie has ‘hosers’ in the title. Kevin Smith is part of this movie. Everyone is holding hockey sticks. Guy Lapointe. I’ve never hated Canada more in my life than right now.
  4. The Chakras, the Warrior poses, the yoga. I…how. How and why. Why and how.
  5. NO ONE EVEN SAYS ‘HOSERS’ ANYMORE. WHO SAYS THIS FUCKING WORD.
  6. “On the plus side, Johnny Depp’s daughter is in it.” – said no one ever.

I am so sad this exists. Jesus Christ Kevin Smith, why do you want to be Adam Sandler.

Nobody wants to be Adam Sandler.

Oh good, the monster is wearing a hockey mask.

yoga hoser

I hope you die in a fire.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “I will never watch this movie.

  1. Colleen Houser

    Just recently, I told my husband that I’ve never seen anything with a main character named Colleen and wished there were more Colleens in media. I take it back. I take it back so hard.

    Reply
  2. Danielle

    LOL I love kevin smith AND I liked the movie. Not in the way someone likes a good movie, but in the way you and a friend might be really proud of something super stupid you created just cause you saw it through.
    I listen to his podcasts so I sorta heard this come to life one stoned conversation at a time, where he’s purposely pushing his fans with his highAF bullshit and though I know its awful I am fully here for it.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *