I love when my friends give me assignments. Being that I’m 29, this is pretty suitable. I was told to rip this shit apart. 30 Things Every Woman Should Know and Have. Sure, tell me more about what I should and shouldn’t know, stranger. I thought to myself, Christ, with that title, this should be good. I read the first two points and thought “meh, I guess, whatever” and then the third point struck the cord of Yes, I Will In Fact Blog About This.
Let’s get on with it!
At 30, you should have:
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
First of all, I am super loving the fact that the first thing on this list has to do with boyfriends. But let’s just push past that. Yeah I wouldn’t go back to any of my exes. Once I break up with someone, it ain’t gonna happen again. There’s a reason we broke up, I’m going to move the hell on. If you want to get back together with an ex and it works out, good for you two. But no, I will not imagine a boyfriend I might go back to. How far I’ve come? I’ve always essentially been the same person only now I have debt and anxiety!
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
I mean, I guess. Our couch was owned by the guy who lived in the apartment we moved into. He didn’t want to move it so we bought it from him. We do have a yellow chair that we bought all by ourselves. ADULTING.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
The employer thing, yes. It’s always a good idea to have not garbage clothing to meet an employer. The perfect outfit for the man of my dreams? HAHA. Fairly certain I was wearing sweatpants and sweater the day I met my husband because it was at a soccer centre. This is stupid. If you and a guy meet randomly and hit it off, chances are he isn’t going to be like MAN, IF ONLY SHE WAS WEARING A DIFFERENT OUTFIT I WOULD ACTUALLY CALL HER TOO BAD THOUGH. And if you planned a date in an hour, I think if you showed up in pants and a shirt, things would be okay.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
Why do you own anything you’re ashamed of. I NEED AN UMBRELLA I HAVE REALLY CURLY HAIR.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
Fuck that! Hold onto your youth! It keeps you young!
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
Ahh yes, gather around grand children, let me tell you about that time I dropped too much E at a club and got kicked out for tripping every ball I could find.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
LOL I’M POOR. Let’s face it, my generation is never going to retire unless you make a shit load of money. For the rest of us making mediocre to not much, PREPARE TO WORK UNTIL YOU DIE.
8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
Did that at 16 but kay.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
I feel like you should not have a padded resume ever.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
Can they be the same person or no?
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
DO I KEEP IT IN THE SAME SPOT SINCE IT’S IN THE SAME SENTENCE FOR COMPLETELY UNKNOWN REASONS?
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
Yeah I shop at Lululemon, I’m good there. But in all seriousness, WHY. Why does it have to be ridiculously expensive? Can I just buy a thing.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
K but why do I deserve something ridiculously expensive though? Is it because I’m privileged as fuck? Yes, I work regular hours, I go home to my condo my husband and I paid for ourselves where we can, in fact, turn on the heat, and yeah, I can afford Lulu (on sale, let’s be real), SO OBVIOUSLY I DESERVE SOMETHING ON TOP OF MY PRIVILEGEDNESS THAT’S STUPID EXPENSIVE. WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO SHIT IN A HOMELESS PERSONS HAT.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
Sweet, thanks for that. Tell me more about my ugly face and fat ass.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.
I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up but at least I have a kick ass job. But for sure, you definitely don’t want to be single forever THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE AND A WASTE OF YOUR LIFE. Jesus Christ. That is something you definitely don’t need a) by the time you’re 30 and/or b) ever. If you enjoy being single, be fucking single.
By 30, you should know:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
I have friends over the age of 30 who are still floating between the two options. Yes or no. It’s not the easiest decision for a lot of people.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a partner, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
I agree with the job and friend thing. If your partner cheats on you, setting his bed and dick on fire is totally acceptable.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
Ugh it’s just so much easier to give up.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
I think I could probably use my words too? This is such a…weird….point and I don’t like it at all. It’s dumb. I am striking this from ever having existed in this world.
6. The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother, and the best tailor in town.
Don’t have one, no idea, why. I live in a province! Who is the province…person? Rachel Notley! Boom, nailed it. My great-grandmothers name was for sure NOT Nana, but that’s what I’m sticking with. And I have never used a tailor in my life because I’m a regular sized person and have never needed one.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
The best weekends are when Husband goes out of town for soccer. Nothing but 72 hours of Carolyn time.
8. How to take control of your own birthday.
I’m always in control of my birthday. “Hey friends, let’s go drink a lot.”
9. That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
Please see number 14 of the first section and go fuck yourself.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
Thank god for that. Although I do miss nap time.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
Have you seen Keith Richards? He has been doing all of the above for a billion years and is infinitely more talented than I am, has hilariously more money than I do, and is still going strong. YOUR LOGIC IS FLAWED. But I know what you mean, this is all about how one looks right? And sure, Keith Richards face is melting off his skull, but I’m sure he’ll just Scrooge McDuck himself into a pile of his money and not give a single fuck.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
These are facts. I feel like once you hit a certain age though, all of this becomes wildly easy to do since you are pretty much over the dramz.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
I AM CANADIAN I WILL APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
Life began when I was born.