Carolyn watches Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Woooooooooooooo no more shitty fucking Star Wars! You guys have no idea how happy this makes me. Revenge of the Sith did not redeem the two previous garbage movies so here’s hoping The Force Awakens isn’t wildly disappointing. I’m going in with pretty high expectations which isn’t good. I mean, obviously it has to be better than the trash previously released.

Let’s get to it.

LUKE SKYWALKER HAS VANISHED LOL. I found this WILDLY humorous.

Okay so when…is this taking place. Immediately after episode 6? I think so.

BB8! I know this thing. Aww it’s so cute.

4 lines in and it’s already way better acting than all three shitty movies.

I need the giant robot turtles with long legs to exist again.

I’M SORRY THESE GUNS DO NOT GO PEW PEW PEW PEW THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT.

Yeah I’m going to need a BB8.

LOL the dying storm trooper. Since when do storm troopers give a shit about other storm troopers.

WHO’S THIS BANE SOUNDING GUY. DARTH BANE.

Oh man, byeeeee old man.

WHO IS ANYONE.

A storm trooper with feelings, isn’t that nice.

Force AwakensDEAD ROBOT TURTLE NOOOO.

How could you not let BB8 come with you.

HAHAHA the ship is tied to the ground. Amazing. Smart, too.

Are these two in love.

DID HE DIE. REALLY. So Finn is on his own now. Man, did not see that coming. Sorry about your boyfriend, Finn.

So he’s just going to be Kylo Ren. Nope, he’s going to be Darth Bane.

Ugh sad BB8 🙁

Get it girl, ain’t nobody need to hold your hand. Can’t wait for them to fall in love and hold hands anyways.

MILLENNIUM FALCON.

Thank god I didn’t see this in 3D, I would have vomited for sure.

Force AwakensCHEWYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Oh and Han Solo.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Jesus fucking Christ THANKS HAN.

If Chewy dies I’m going to kill everyone. LITERALLY EVERYONE.

Supreme Leader, haha. He’s so big.

HAN SOLO IS DARTH BANE’S DAD. GODDAMMIT. OF COURSE HE IS.

K so Darth Vader and Padme had Luke and Leia. Han and…Leia? had Darth Bane?

Did Luke end up with anyone? I…can’t remember.

Clearly this Rae chick is a daughter of ….or grand daughter? of Leia and Han? I’m basing this off of her hairstyle. What with being a brunette and the buns.

I NEED ALIEN FUCKING BARS TO STOP EXISTING HOLY SHIT.

Awww Darth Vader’s head…mask.

“you looked at me like no one ever had” ugh shut up.

PHANTOM CRYING CHILD, RAE. IT’S A TRAP.

BB8 going down stairs LOL. Donk. Donk. Donk.

YEAH A RANDOM DOOR JUST HAPPENS TO OPEN FOR YOU. DEFINITELY GO INSIDE. God I hate movies.

R2D2! WHAT’S HAPPENING! AHHH!

So she’s Luke’s daughter….? WHY ARE PEOPLE JUST LEAVING THEIR CHILDREN WITHOUT EXPLANATION EVERYONE SHOULD BE IN JAIL.

Yesss Rae vs Darth Bane.

Force AwakensOMG IT’S CARRIE FISCHERKSJdHFBISDKGVAKDSJF

OMG C3PO!

I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT HIM.

Force AwakensWHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO HOBBITON.

WAIT WAHT HE’S ALIVE. HOW. WHY. FINN YOUR BOYFRIEND IS BACK YOU CAN STOP PINNING AFTER RAE.

OMG R2D2 NO HE CAN’T BE DEAD. THIS AFFECTS ME MORE THAN IT PROBABLY SHOULD.

I’M HAVING TOO MANY FEELINGS.

Wait, Rae has an accent. She can’t be….any of these peoples daughter.

My reaction was definitely the same as Rae’s when Darth Bane took off his mask. “um, hi.”

PUT YOUR MASK BACK ON YOU ARE MORE THREATENING.

I get it. The force. Fuck let’s move on.

Maybe she’s Obi-Wan’s daughter. Or…grand daughter. Fuck I don’t know.

GET IT GIRL.

Force AwakensHAHAHAHAHAHA ‘IT’S A TRAP’ GUY.

Hahah Chewy being cold. Amazing.

“How’d you get away?”
“I can’t explain it”
You used the force. Wasn’t that hard to explain.

It’s such a shame Yoda won’t have an amazing fight scene in this movie.

Ben? Did he just call him Ben? Or Ren. Maybe it was Ren. It…it was probably Ren.

IS HAN SOLO GOING TO DIE.

OR NOT? Well, this was easy.

OH NO THERE HE GOES. Goddammit. BYE HAN. Poor Chewy 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

I hope someone gets their hand cut off who ever will even see that coming.

Darth Bane’s lightsaber is so much cooler.

K but where’s Chewy.

Why is the world just….falling apart?

I thought if you were touched by a lightsaber, you die immediately. Like, disintegrate.

CHEWY TO THE RESCUE.

I can’t believe they killed Han Solo.

R2 AND BB8 UGH <3

Force AwakensDOO WEE DOOOOO DO DO DO DOO WEE DOO DOO DOO DOO WEE DOO DO DOOOOO.

No hands were harmed in the making of this movie.

Force AwakensHE WAS IN HAWAII THIS WHOLE TIME.

So many stairs. Can’t you just text him and meet him half way AT LEAST.

SUP LUKE.

Lol at the dramatic pano.


Hurray! I didn’t hate it! It was good but that’s like. It. It wasn’t mind blowing, it wasn’t fantastic, it was just good. I had no idea Carrie Fischer was in the movie and a wave of emotion came over me when she popped up. UNEXPECTED.

Do I like Darth Bane? I kind of do.
I…don’t really like Finn.
I like Rae. Ah, just looked her up, it’s spelled Rey. Welp, I’m not changing it.

I think I’m seeing Rogue One in theatres next week. Is it still in theatres? Probably.

I also just learned that there are going to be a million more Star Wars in the future. Good lord. This Carolyn Watches segment is going to be FOREVER.


All screencaps provided by Star Wars Screencaps.

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3 thoughts on “Carolyn watches Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

  1. Robyn Walter

    Firstly Darth Bane is Kylo Ren, and his name is Ben (after Obi-Wan)
    The Giant turtle robots are called AT-AT walkers.
    Lightsabers dont disintegrate you when you touched by them they are actually so hot they “melt” the skin and cauterize it at the same time.
    Ok I’m glad I got that off my chest!

    Reply
  2. Brian Lageose

    Hysterical, as usual, but I have to admit it wasn’t quite the same without the pew pew. (I might need alcohol in the near future to help me emotionally deal with the loss.)

    Reply
  3. rural spaceman

    It’s nice to see a Star Wars review that reflects my own. This proves that we couldn’t go to the pictures together and reliably give a good synopsis of the story. At least this Star Wars film was better than the last 3 shitty ones, when I wished everybody was killed and couldn’t take the sight of a muppet fighting a 9ft baddie seriously.
    Then again, the reason The Force Awakens is quite good is because they try and reprise the plot of the first Star Wars film in the 1970s.

    Reply

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