Carolyn watches Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.

Now that Christmas and all that shit is over with, IT’S TIME TO START HATING STAR WARS. I finished the original trilogy and now it’s on to the part of Star Wars everyone wishes they could forget. I’m definitely going in with incredibly low expectations so maybe it will be better than what everyone says! Go Phantom Menace! I believe in you!

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.

Planet Naboo. LOL. Oh The Mighty Boosh, thank you.

I just want R2D2.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” Thanks Ewan.

EW NICE PONYTAIL YOUNG OBI-WAN.

Liam Neeson though. Yum. How bad can this movie be?

“I will make it legal” is definitely my new catchphrase.

Like….are these bad guys supposed to be Asian?

Oh Obi-Wan, you have a shitty ponytail and a fucking braid. I hate you based on your hairstyle. Bring back old Obi-Wan.

Is Queen Amidala a bad guy?

Oh good, introduction to Jar Jar Binks nice and early on in the movie.

Liam Neeson, you’re better than this.

AN ENTIRE WORLD OF JAR JARS. WHY.

Does anyone else think old Obi-Wan is way sexier than young Obi-Wan? Just me then…

SO YOU HAD A CHANCE TO LET JAR JAR DIE BUT YOU SAVE HIM INSTEAD. Damn your conscience to hell, Liam.

Why is any of this movie happening.

I…okay. So. Is Jar Jar Binks supposed to be black? This is so goddamn rough to listen to. THANK GOD IT’S 1999 AND EVERYTHING IS FINE.

I still have no idea who Liam Neeson is supposed to be. I probably missed…that..due to the blatant racism that is Jar Jar.

R2D2! Finally.

I’M SORRY WHAT. WHO IS THIS. IS HIS FUCKING NAME GARTH MOLE. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

R2 please kill Jar Jar. Like right now. HOW WAS THIS APPROVED. HOW DID THEY FIND A BLACK ACTOR TO DO THIS. I’m just assuming the actor is black I WILL KILL EVERYONE IF HE IS WHITE. Okay he’s black. WAIT HOW IS THAT BETTER.

I thought….Natalie Portman was the Queen? WHAT’S GOING ON.

I WILL PAY YOU 5 MILLION DOLLARS TO NOT GO IN THE FUCKING ALIEN BAR.

Yes child actor. My favourite. IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

OH MAN HE’S DARTH VADER.

Man, Ewan did such a good job at matching old Obi-Wan’s voice.

I was just going to ask if C3PO was going to be in this. Thank God.

Where’s Samuel L Jackson. I know he’s in this.

I….I need Jar Jar to stop speaking. WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME OF THIS.

Anakins mom. Who cast this bitch. ARE YOU KRISTEN STEWART’S MOM.

How has ONLY 45 minutes gone by.

YOU ARE NOT MARY MAGDALENE WHO IS DARTH VADER’S FATHER. It’s probably Garth Mole or whatever. Because evil. This is why you don’t go to alien bars and get drunk and fuck whoever’s available for your lonely ass.

Annie. HAHA. Darth Vader’s nickname is Annie.

OHHHH DARTH MAUL. LOL HAHAHAHAHAHA. I like Garth Mole better. I’m sure everyone…is going to have a field day with that one.

I am so bored. Someone important die.

What is the point of this movie. I don’t…know the plot.

He’s fucking like, 10. How is he allowed to be in a death race. YOU’RE NOT EVEN JASON STATHAM.

JABBA HAHAHAHAHSDKJGBL SKDFG.

Oh hey it’s a young Warwick Davis!

COME ON DARTH, USE THE FORCE TO WIN.

Hurray he won it’s as if that wasn’t obvious.

Jabba fell asleep. I feel you.

STOP CALLING HIM ANNIE FFS.

So you’re just….taking the boy? HERE SON, GO AWAY WITH THIS RANDOM MAN I JUST MET. This is how people become evil, PARENTS.

“Nothing happens by accident” Thanks Liam why don’t you read me my fucking horoscope.

If Jar Jar is in all three of these movies I will kill everyone.

So…is the Queen also Natalie Portman? LOL WHY CAN’T I FIGURE THIS OUT.

YODA! SAMUEL L JACKSON!

I hope Jackson drops a ‘motherfucker’ at some point.

“May the force be with you, motherfucker.”

The Queen needs to fire her stylist.

I miss Chewy.

So everyone on the committee is like NOPE DON’T TRAIN HIM HE’S BAD NEWS BEARS PROBABLY but Liam’s all HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME I KNOW THINGS BECAUSE I SAY WORDS PHILOSOPHICALLY. Way to fuck it all up, Liam.

Do you though, Queen? Do you need Jar Jar’s help?

Literally Obi-Wan’s hair. LITERALLY.

I wish I was fucking dead.

Wait what. Oh snap, SHE’S Queen Amidala. Was that the whole time?…..But they’re both…Natalie Portman right. Why am I so stupid.

I have no idea what’s going on.

An army of Jar Jar’s. I hope they lose and they all die.

Oh man, they Simpson movie’d themselves.

Bring the tall robot turtle bad guys back.

This battle scene better be epic.

So. Nope.

IT’S GARTH MOLE!

“This is tense!” DON’T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL DARTH VADER.

So Liam is going to die.

There it is. Ugh.

THIS NATALIE PORTMAN IS THE DECOY. GODDAMMIT.

Aww man. Bye Garth.

So I have to go through two more fucking movies without Liam or Darth Maul but definitely Jar Jar goddamn Binks. Why is life so fucking cruel.

CAN’T WAIT FOR JAR JAR TO FUCK UP SOMEHOW IN THIS PARADE WITH HIS ZANY ANTICS.

Oh sweet Christ it’s over.


Okay. Well.

You know, there’s nothing worse than going into a movie with high expectations. Where everyone has told you it’s the best movie ever only to met with a sub par or good movie strictly because everyone had their damn opinion on it. I have never in my life gone INTO a movie with LOW expectations ONLY TO HAVE IT BE WORSE THAN I EVER FUCKING THOUGHT.

As you can see, I didn’t include any screenshots because I refuse to go through that movie frame by fucking frame to pull pictures from. I refuse to ever let my eyes be forced to see this shit again.

It’s not often I get actually mad at movies for existing, but The Phantom Menace has made the list. This is an abortion of a movie. SOMETHING YOUR MOM SHOULD HAVE HAD, ANNIE, M I RITE?? I am mad this movie exists because I’m betting so many people lined up around the corner to watch this shit when it came out in theatres. The people who watched, and had their minds goddamn blown, the first 3 movies in theatres were probably assuming they were walking into something with high expectations and alarming excitement. Can you even imagine walking out of that threatre after watching The Phantom Menace, growing up on the first three movies? It’s disorganized, without imagination, and careless; horrible acting, shitty plot, terrible script. There is NOTHING redeeming about this movie.

I get it George Lucas, you wanted All The Money. And you fucking got it.

It amazes me that after making three ground breaking awe-inspiring movies, George Lucas would watch the final cut of The Phantom Menace and unleashed this garbage shit into the universe. It’s like he woke up one morning and thought “I think I’ll write another Star Wars movie” and 5 days later, IT APPEARS. “Yes, my vision is complete! This is a great start for the new Star Wars movies!” Really? Are you…sure? So you’re just fine, and everyone is fine, with the overwhelming antiquated racist tone of Jar Jar Binks? How the literal fuck did this character get approved.

HOW DID THEY FIND SOMEONE TO CAST THIS CHARACTER.

Casting: Hey thanks for coming out to audition, so what we’re looking for is black person acting as a white person portraying a black person. We want to kick it back to the mid to late 1800’s/early 1900’s where need you to be uneducated sounding, have broken speech, act buffoonish, just stereotypical as fuck. Something like when slavery was definitely still a thing, but we had white people to joke about it on screen to make it seem okay.

Black actor: Perfect. I’m totally your man!

WHY. WHY. WHY. This was so bad.

SO. BAD. And there is just no way this shit is going to get better because Jar Jar is undoubtedly in the next two fucking movies. I cannot believe I have gone SO MANY YEARS without knowing about Jar Jar.

I DIDN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT THE RACIST FUCKING TRADE FEDERATION ASIAN ALIENS.

The fact that I found too many comments on the interweb defending George Lucas and saying “it’s not racist, it’s just culturally insensitive” is astounding. THAT BASICALLY MEANS THE SAME FUCKING THING, WHITE PEOPLE. You can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig.

So if we just ignore the culturally insensitivity of the garbage ass alien characters, THIS MOVIE STILL SUCKS A LARGE BAG OF YODA DICKS. This entire fucking movie felt like a poorly animated children’s movie with real humans every once in a while. I just. I don’t even know if kids would like this shit because it’s so boring. There is no way this movie would have kept my attention as a child.

The virgin birth of Anakin? Why? Did you mean for him to be a Christ like character or DOES SEX SCARE YOU.

There isn’t a single character that I enjoyed other than R2D2. I DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE TO NOT LIKE LIAM GODDAMN NEESON but he was boring. Ewan McGregor did a kick ass job at sounding like old Obi-Wan and that was THEE only thing that impressed me.

I will NEVER watch this movie again. This is easily one of the worst movies I have EVER seen. I’ll have to watch the second Transformers movie to decide which one cracks first place. I’d happily watch the first two Harry Potter movies on repeat than ever watch this pile of fucking shit again.

CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT TUESDAY.

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9 thoughts on “Carolyn watches Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.

  1. isaidnoh

    Way back in 1999, I was dating a dude who I will call Matt (because that was his name). Matt was a GIANT Star Wars fan. I was not. I mean, I grew up with it, but I saw the movies when I was 18 and thought they were…enh. (Not counting when I saw Return of the Jedi at the Drive-In when I was 8 because I was running around and not paying attention). So we go to see The Phantom Menace, because Matt had been looking forward to it for MONTHS, and I thought it was terrible because I didn’t care about Star Wars. Matt was just heartbroken. He had been expecting a new, amazing expansion on one of his favourite childhood trilogies..and he got a steaming dumpster fire instead. He also said the only way that he would go see episode 2 would be if the first scene was Jar Jar falling off a cliff and exploding on impact. I have no idea if he ever saw 2 or 3, we broke up before they were released. So there is a story about someone who did see it in the theatre and was crushed.

    Reply
  2. Brian Lageose

    I am proud of you for being brave and slogging through the mess. You deserve an award of some kind. Perhaps in the form of a device that allows you to self-inflict a two-hour mind wipe on your own brain?

    Reply
  3. Colleen Houser

    Actually, Kiera Knightly was the Queen Amidala stand in. It’s amazing how well that they did with the likeness.

    Reply
  4. Cat

    If it makes you feel any better the new Star Wars movies seem to be made by people who have actual respect if not outright love for the franchise. Go see Rogue One…. it ends like ten minutes before the ‘first’ Star Wars movie starts… it’ll make you feel a LOT better 🙂 (and possibly disinclined to see the other two Lucas prequels, because let’s face it, they are sad shadows of what they should be and in no way compare to the new ones)

    Reply
  5. Allison

    I love these! I just recently went to see Rogue One with the boyfriend at the movie theater and I definitely fell asleep. Oops. I didn’t mean to! But I’m keeping a track record of not making it through an entire one so far…..LOL

    Reply
  6. ruralspaceman

    I saw this film with my nephew and my niece’s husband at the cinema. Afterwards, they were raving about it. I kept quiet. It was the biggest pile of poo I have ever seen. I wanted all of them to die. Ditto the following movie that went on for ages, took itself far too seriously and, at one point I swear, had a muppet fighting a man with facial piercings, although I was so groggy from boredom I may have made this up. M’lady, I am so with you on this if I wasn’t a frail old man I’d lace daisies in your hair and ask you to marry me.

    Reply
    1. Lady Dickson Post author

      HAHA! Boy, you must be looking forward to my review of the next movie. Everyone keeps telling me it’s worse than this one and I just…I don’t know how….that’s actually possible.

      Reply

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