Being that it’s mine and Husband Graeme’s two year wedding anniversary, I thought I would write about a time when Graeme tried to do man shopping, and failed miserably. I am the best wife.
I know there are very capable men out there who can shop like a pro. They don’t need second opinions, guidance, or a step by step guide on how to shop. Graeme is not one of those people.
For those of you who actually know him, you aren’t shocked by this information.
This is the tale of Graeme Buys Shoes.
Once upon a time, Graeme thought he could buy shoes on his own without the necessary supervision of a female. He was mistaken. He’s the type of guy to own one pair of shoes that he bought for $20 4 years ago. But when it comes to soccer shoes, he’s willing to drop $200 every fucking year or so. I often urge him to splurge on a nice pair of shoes because he never ever does. On a warm afternoon, roughly 6 years ago, I received a text from Graeme stating he bought new shoes and was really excited about them. I asked him what they look like and told him I was excited to see them when I got home.
Graeme: They’re like a slip on shoe. Easy to put on and super comfy!
Me: Nice, sounds like a good buy. I’m so proud you bought something without texting me a picture of it first!
I come home and ask where his new shoes are. He said, from the kitchen, that they were at the front door. I look around and don’t see them. Then I spot the “shoes” he bought, said ”no….he doesn’t think….” to myself.
I called him over, pointed to his fresh to death new shoes and asked ”these?”
Graeme: Yes! Those are my new shoes!
Me holding back laughter: Have you worn them out?
Graeme: I bought them at lunch so I wore them at the office this afternoon and…on the way home….sees my face trying not to PUKE LAUGHTER..whyy…what’s wrong with them?
Me: Honey, the important thing is that you tried. And I love you. But those are fucking water shoes.
Graeme: What are water shoes?
Me: SHOES YOU WEAR IN THE WATER.
Ya’ll, they weren’t even some fancy new type of water shoe that looks like a NORMAL GROUND SHOE. They were LITERALLY these:
After I laughed for about 300 years, he was still in sweet, agonizing denial with his unsuccessful experiment with man shopping. Finally, he succumbed to failing and tried to return them the next day to Sport Chek. He asked for a refund or store credit, but naturally, the lady behind the counter said no as he’d already worn them. Never needing water goddamn shoes, he angrily left them on the counter and walked out of the store with his tail between his legs.
If only I could have been there to calmly get him through this difficult time and tell the sales lady the unfortunate, yet amazing, story.
About 4 years later, we went to Croatia and used water shoes as the Adriatic is rocky and not sandy, and I leaned over to Graeme as we were putting them on..
Me: Hey remember that time-
Graeme: YES. GOD. I DO. THANKS.
He has yet to purchase a pair of shoes on his own without my approval.
Happy anniversary, dumb dumb.