How to coconut oil your face & life.

If you’re like me, you’ve had acne on and off (mostly on) for most of your life. You drew the short end of the beauty stick and had to explore every avenue of cheap to expensive acne remedies only to have every single one of them fail you, much like everything else in your life!

Then one day, my fabulous friend Becky introduced me to coconut oil and my life had changed BASICALLY immediately. She practically invented it. (She told me to say that.) I realize I am very behind on talking about coconut oil but fuck you. I’m here now.

I’m not gonna lie, I was 400% skeptical when I first heard of applying OIL to my HEINOUSLY acne’d up skin, but now that I’ve been a hardcore user of it, I will never ever use anything else. I’ve heard it doesn’t work for everyone and for a lot of people, when you start using it, you can experience worse acne before it gets better. I’ve totally used skin products that have warned me of this before and once the worse acne hits, I give up immediately because DAMN YOU PRODUCT, I WAS TOTALLY WARNED OF THIS BUT I AM GOING TO HATE YOU REGARDLESS. But this, you have to power the fuck through. POWER THROUGH, BABIES.

Back in the day of All The Acne, I would wear a shit load of makeup to cover it up. As EVERYONE knows, that clearly doesn’t help your situation, but the fucks you tend to give are around zero. You get to a point where you just want to look like you have clear skin. Now that coconut oil has kicked that shit to the curb, I still occasionally wear makeup, but I wear it because I want to, not because I feel like I have to. Makeup is fun as hell.

coconut oilsans make up vs makeup’d.

So, I wrote this out almost 2 years ago, but I still follow these instructions on the daily.

Naturally, because I’m a picture whore, I wikihow’d this bitch.

When going to bed!

STEP ONE.
coconut oil
Properly put your hair into the basic bitch ponytail and look tired as fuck.

STEP TWO.

coconut oil

Wash your face. I only use water. I don’t use any kind of cleanser, makeup remover, nothing. Which you can tell as the mascara is smudgy under my right eye.

STEP THREE.

coconut oil

Dry your face with towel, shirt, cat, whatever is nearby. I have opted for towel. And by dry, I mean slightly pat until your face is relatively dried off. Because my skin is super fucking sensitive/dry as shit, scrubbing my face dry hurts and sucks.

STEP FOUR.

coconut oil

Grab your coconut oil. This is the only coconut oil I’ve used on my face. It doesn’t smell overly coconutty like a lot of other ones do. And it’s way more solid than others UNLESS YOU LEAVE IT IN THE SUN. It’s called Now Solutions: Coconut Oil. It’s 100% natural and says ”skin & hair revitalizing.” ON POINT. At $12, this small fucking jar lasts me over a year.

STEP FIVE AND SIX.

coconut oil

5: Attempt to take the perfect amount needed for your face.
6: Instantly regret how much you used.

After 3 years of using coconut oil, I still often use too much. Never fear, just wipe off the extra load (pun intended) with your towel, shirt, cat. At this point, you’re done. Take a note from Samuel L. Jackson and go the fuck to sleep.

When waking up!

STEP ONE.

coconut oil

Hate existing.

STEP TWO.

coconut oil

Shower, because you’re gross. I don’t shower every morning, but when I don’t, I end up regretting it later on in the day. Showering wakes me up and makes me not smell. In the shower, I wash my face with nothing but water. I don’t even let soap LOOK at my face in the shower.
Blegh. Soap sucks.

STEP THREE.

coconut oil

Wipe coconut oil all over your face. Literally everywhere. Eyes, lips, neck, cat.

STEP FOUR.

coconut oil

At this point, I go and eat breakfast, watch Sportscentre, then dry my hair. Once the coconut oil is deep into my skin, I apply this bad mother. Primer, to me, is completely necessary when wearing coconut oil. It smooths out my skin and makes it far less shiny. I find that if I put makeup on after just using coconut oil, the coconut oil absorbs the fuck out of my makeup and my skin dries up. Primer fo lyfe. This one is called Revlon Photoready Perfecting Primer and it’s my favourite.

STEP FIVE.

coconut oil

Look! The only makeup I am putting on for the day! I don’t leave the house without mascara, unless it’s to go camping the one time a year I do that. And yes, I taught myself to be ambidextrous in applying mascara, it’s so much better. PS: totally spelled ambidextrous right on the first try, NBD.

STEP SIX.

coconut oil

Once you’ve done your hair, use coconut oil instead of product! It makes your hair shiny and it does good things. I usually don’t put it on my roots as they get oily as hell, but I throw that shit on the ends.

STEP SEVEN.

coconut oil

Look annoyingly happy with how put together you look.
Now go put on some clothes, you skank.

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