I’ve been in an angry shit mood for a bit now, with hints of goodish/funish/okayish moments in between the garbage ones. These funks happen every once in a while, but they usually go away without any public embarrassment aka crying on the bus or making up bullshit fights with my husband in my head and then being angry at him upon him being in my presence. Life is great when you’re ability to chill has lost its fleek.
With there being a very sudden and unexpected death in the family on Saturday, my mood has been goddamn all over the place. I go through all the stages of crazy practically daily and the fact that a particularly hilarious part of The IT Crowd is about to happen to me doesn’t help at all.
I start the day off pretty happy and cheery and it all goes downhill. Suddenly I’m looking at jobs my husband can apply to in Seattle because I need to move out of Edmonton yesterday because I’m wasting my life. Ease on up, girlfriend. You’re doing just dandy. The entire day is a roller coaster of weird emotions that I should be plenty used to by now thanks to, well, being me. I’m an emotional slag.
Yesterday, I went to the gym and murdered the hell out of my body due to the anger. This is the best thing for me during the Emotional Carolyn Tour de Crap. Today, I decided that yoga was the answer. Something to calm me the fuck down. Girl, you so crazy. I find yoga to be the last fucking place I want to be when I’m angry at the world.
~!~be one with the Earth and all it’s beauty~!~
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am constantly talking to Internal Carolyn (of course you’re not talking to Internal Carolyn, that would be weird but I’m too tired to rephrase this.) It could be the remnants of growing up an only child for 13 years and my friends were trees, or it could be because I’m crazy BUT THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE AND TOTALLY UNRELATED TO EACH OTHER.
But I found myself constantly arguing with Internal Carolyn during the yoga class this evening:
Ugh, let’s get on with this class already, girlfriend needs to go to bed.
Yes, breathing, yes, set your intention. My intention is to not fart during this class.
Finnnee, let’s do this ommmmmmmm you goddamn hippie son of a bitch.
Sweet, it’s like I’ve never done a sun salutation ever.
Well at least I know I can do warrior.
WHY ARE WE HOLDING THESE POSES FOR 10 YEARS EACH.
The splits? I’m sorry, but no. I’ll just pretend.
Yeah…sorry…my pelvis…it’s..sore. Can’t…splits. FROM ALL THE COCKS M I RITE.
Ugh, I am sweating profusely.
This bitch next to me is like 50 and better than me at everything.
I could have been at home watching Flowers.
You know what’s better than yoga? Food.
Oh good, headstand, I can actually do this shit now.
And then I tried to get up into headstand and it wasn’t working out so well. My balance was completely off BECAUSE OF ALL THE BRAIN THINKING. I finally got up but was very wobbly, so yoga man came over and held my feet up.
Fuck, I don’t NEED YOU.
Oh my god please don’t let go.
Okay, no, I’m good.
Yessss, nailed it OH FUCK I’M FALLING
oh good, stabilized
OH FUCK HERE WE GO WATCH OUT WATER BOTTLE AND DIGNITY.
Yoga man: I…am afraid to leave…you.
Me, muffled: Strange…
Yoga man: Hmm?
Me: Nothing, I got this, thanks.
Great, yes, let’s do fucking wheel three times. My back doesn’t bend but that’s cool.
Oh thank god, Shavasana, we’re done with this shit.
You know in Shavasana when you’re supposed to stop thinking and let your mind go and relax on a beach somewhere? Yeah, this is where I do my best thinking! And of course, I am an emotional wreck at this point. Thankfully, yoga man has turned the lights off completely and it’s dark af up in here because the tears were coming full force. No reason. Other than Emotions.
Thankfully, because of years of practice as a teenager, I know how to cry very quietly. That shit is my jam and I could not be happier for it. I hate crying in public with everyone being all “ohh poor you, what’s wrong awww i feel sorry for you for reasons” and it’s like could you just fuck off for 5 minutes and let me have me time. Why is it that when you see someone crying in public, your initial reaction is to comfort them? As I typed that out, I do understand it. But the more emotions I put out there, the less people I want near me.
HOW DARE YOU SEE MY VULNERABILITY, I AM A WALL OF CALM AND COOL.
We come up from Shavasana and I can pass off the tears as sweat because I’m disgusting. Instead off poo pooing the three oms we do at the end of class, I welcomed them with open lungs. I’m not religious or spiritual at ALL, but at the end of the third om, it felt like I had doves flying out of my ass and I could see the light.
Finally, all the stress, angry and sad emotions had flown out of my….butt apparently.
Thank you yoga.
The crying, the pain, the anger, crazy and sads aren’t gone completely because we all know tomorrow is a NEW DAY, but here’s hoping I can get through the day without the need of poultry exiting my orifice.
I clearly need to go to bed.