You know what I hate? April Fools’ Day.
I am 100% far too naive, blonde, gullible and just down right dumb to friggin deal with this day. The first time I remember being tricked by this day was back when I was a child. I can’t remember the exact age but I want to say I was still in the single digits. It was announced that my class was going to be going to the World Waterpark on April 1st and obviously being the young child I was, I was extremely excited to go. Ask me now to go and it’s a hard no. I don’t do public swimming. Mmmmm stranger bandaids and hair, sign me the fuck up.
April 1st came around and my mom opened up a letter and was looking all sad about it. She then told me that the water park trip had been canceled. I was sooooo bummed. I sauntered off to my room to pout when my mom said in a very nonchalant way “Happy April Fools’ Day.”
MOM I’M LIKE, 8, I DON’T KNOW WHAT NONCHALANT MEANS.
To which I replied with a very sad “yeah….” because I apparently don’t understand anything. So I’m pouting in my room and my mom comes in and says “why…aren’t you ready to go to the water park?”
HURR DURR WAT R U TALKING ABOOT.
And then she explained that it was an April Fools’ joke and that I am a joke. Okay fine, she didn’t call me a joke. But still, ever since that day, I have hated April Fools’ Day.
I have almost never played a prank on other people. Last year, I changed my Facebook picture to a sonogram considering people wouldn’t shut up about asking if Husband Graeme and I were having kids. Most people saw right through me but I did receive a few texts with the explosion of OMGGGDKH SDF;SDFN!!!!
It felt great smashing their excitement with “ha! sucker! I’m not pregnant! Happy April Fools’ Day you jackass!”
So yeah, I get it. It’s wildly amusing and satisfying to have someone fall for your shit. BUT NO MORE. I have absolutely ingrained it into my mind today that it is April 1st and I will just believe absolutely zero things people tell me.
Boss: We’re giving you a raise!
Me: LIES! YOU ARE A LIAR. I DON’T WANT YOUR MONEY!
Husband: I want a divorce!
Me: LIES! YOU WANT TO LOVE ME FOREVER!
Scale: You’ve lost 10lbs!
Me: Oh really, wow!
Scale: LOL JK YOU’RE FAT AF.