Don’t hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself.

My awesome and hilarious friend Blair over at The Shameful Sheep shared with us a tale in which she was a victim to not Keeping Your Hands To Yourself and was randomly grabbed on the ass by a stranger while out grocery shopping. Thanks to the shock that goes with this fun experience, she did nothing about it. Which is fair, because I’ve fucking been there and now it’s time for me to tell my story.

Naturally, her take on it is more chill and comical than mine as I am filled with rage at almost all times forever.

Back when I was sixteen, my friend and I went to an Edmonton Eskimos game (CFL football for the millions who have no idea what I just said). I don’t think we were there with either of our parents as I think they were just picking us up afterwards. I don’t remember the score or anything at all about the game. The only thing I remember was that it was nice out as I was only wearing a light sweater. White, with a hood. And some jeans.

After the game, my friend and I were walking along the concourse that was outside on the east side. I look up and see this tall, blonde man who was alone, walking towards us. No big deal, the place was pretty packed. I look back at my friend and all of a sudden I feel this strange mans hand on my chest fondling my goodies. And then he was gone. It happened SO fast.

“What the FUCK?” I stopped and looked around. My friend asked me what was wrong but it felt so goddamn out of whack that I couldn’t speak. About 2 minutes had passed and I told her what happened. “What the hell, why didn’t you say anything??”

I haven’t shared this story with anyone until today but Blair’s post pissed me off so much that I needed to vent about it. Just so all you fucking idiot men and women who think this is a compliment are aware, this is sexual assault and it’s not okay. You did not have my permission to touch me. You did not have permission to touch Blair. Where is it we can go, exactly, without being targets? Also, strange older man randomly grabbing at sixteen year old girls chests, you are a fucking pedophile, congratulations. I hope a woman has never touched your wiener.

I hate that I remember this story as vividly as I do, but that’s what happens when this kind of shit goes down. A 5 second fondle from a complete stranger, and it’s ingrained in the membrane, ingrained in the brain.

The fact that both Blair and I let it happen without repercussion drives me mad. I’m not blaming Blair at all, it’s a weird situation to be in and you have no idea what goes through the mind unless you’ve had it happen to you. But let me tell you: if tall, blonde man had done this to me now (or any man in the future, just an FYI), I will grab your pathetic sack of nuts and squeeze until you can belt out Madame fucking Butterfly with ease.

Unless I give you permission to get all up on my grill, stay the fuck away from me.

Keep your hands to yourself

27 Responses

  1. Umm hate to be a stickler but that’s not abuse, that’s called sexual assault! That sonofabitch needed a strongly worded kick to the crotch!

  2. When I was about 13 or 14, my parents, uncle and I were walking around Penticton. I was ahead of them by about 30 feet (because ew, parents), and the town was full of tourists. One drunken full-grown man picked me up and started running off with me. I had no idea what to do, so I froze, and he eventually put me down and continued on his merry way. My mom said my uncle was ready to punch the guy. I was a little shaken up.

    Teenage girls (or, me as a teenage girl) was so trained to be NICE and not speak up for myself, as making a scene is supposedly terrible. I am going to teach my daughter to be loud. So when (isn’t it sad that I don’t type “if”?) she gets groped, she will say “WHAT ARE YOU DOING KEEP YOUR HANDS THE FUCK OFF ME.” Make that fucking scene and embarrass the creep.

  3. That happened to me on my last trip home to Edmonton in December last year, I was chest groped by a close friend who simply stated when I got angry ‘oh I’m drunk’. That incident made me never want to trust him again.
    I used to live in Morocco years ago where Ass grabbing, various forms of groping had to be dealt with on a daily basis if I wasn’t with my male host, I was often told “it’s just cultural they don’t know any better”.My experiences over the years has made me appreciate all the men in my life who WOULDN’T do that..the fucked up thing is that no woman should HAVE to appreciate that in comparison. I have a three year old son who I’m going to try my best to teach NEVER to treat a woman with anything but complete respect.Luckily for him, his dad is a good example of this. Yay!

  4. Not ok. Ever. It’s regretful that there are so many hideously terrible people in the world that have no higher brain functions capable of even allowing them to pretend to act like a decent human being.

  5. Yes, that is assault. First time a guy grabbed my ass was on a packed subway ride from Queens to Manhattan – first day going to high school. Gross!

  6. Absolutely no excuses for this. Don’t you wish you could turn back time, knowing what you know now and being the woman that you are now, and kick him in the nuts. Maybe he’d think twice about doing it again.

  7. Girls are taught to be nice and not make a fuss. So when something like this happens we don’t. usually its only the first time we don’t. After the first time, when the shock wears off, look out. I don’t get bothered much these days now that I am a little old lady type but I must admit to more than once responding by whirling around and punching the guy right in the face. (Self defences classes help teach you to punch hard and fast and not break your hand doing it.) If anyone says anything you you call all innocent, “Oh so sorry I thought you were grabbing butt and I reacted reflexively.” usually the result is much laughter at the perpetrated who just got decked and some other men stepping in close to make sure it goes no further. Most men are not jerks and don’t tolerate this escalating. I heartily recommend self defense classes because then you have trained yourself out of the very natural reaction to freeze up in shock when you are sexually assaulted in public like that.

  8. When I was in university, I had this male friend who was gay (is? haven’t talked to the guy in years, so I have no idea wtf he’s up to) and a friend/boyfriend/who knows was visiting him. We went to a gay club and his friend felt the need to punch me in the boob. And at one point the two of them were doing the night at the roxbury Butabi brothers dance with me in the middle. And I didn’t say anything because…I don’t even know why. Because they were gay? Did that make it okay in my stupid 20 year old head? Ugh.

  9. I’m coming over from Blair’s place, so will copy/paste my response to her post. Apologies in advance for language, as I don’t know you! Edit as you wish, of course.
    A local man here grabbed my arse a few months back. Being as I had liquid courage on board (it happened in a pub), I verbally laid into him. ‘You have no right to touch me,’ etc etc.
    He called me a cunt. Now, I don’t have a problem with that word and use it often – but I don’t use it in anger and not to any woman who hasn’t seen me in my PJ’s. So: way outta line he was, again. Now I avoid him like he has sexism-herpes when I see him out, so he doesn’t get another go.

    In addition- it does sometimes happen that a woman who fights back gets beaten, badly. It happens a lot. It’s not going to stop me from speaking up, but it is something to keep in mind. Those self-defence classes are a wonderful thing.

  10. The appalling thing is that just about every woman has a story like this. Even those of us who usually walk around with a giant “fuck off” sign on our foreheads. I wasn’t young, I was in my thirties, but I was at a VERY low point. My mother had just died, my brother was dying, and I had just visited one of my best friends who was in hospital fighting leukemia!! Those scumbags have a special radar for such things. Sadly, I didn’t come out of my head enough to realize what had happened until he got off the subway.

  11. I was in my early 20s and on an extremely crowded bus when I felt something pressing against my crotch. At first I thought my cross body bag had somehow gotten pushed into an awkward spot.. then I realized it was someone’s hand and that his other bits were now pressing against me as well..Like others, I was so shocked that I froze, then pulled his hand away, and he moved away. If anyone tried it now they would have a broken hand and the attention of the entire bus…but it takes some years to get past the ‘good girl’ training. What I don’t think most men realize is how common it is for women to encounter things like this, and how we live with a constant low level awareness about the possibility of violation.

  12. My best tale, in this regard, was when I lived in Egypt and walking in the souk seemed to be an open invitation for a quick feel. One American expat was shopping for Thanksgiving and had bought a frozen turkey. After her bottom was felt, she walloped on the head with the frozen beast, knocking him unconscious. The crowd yelled in appreciation and then beat him up some more.

  13. This has happened to me more times than I can count.

    When I was in middle school, about 13-14 years old, there was an older boy (15-16- old enough to know better) I kind of knew who rode the same bus I did who every once in a while sat near me and tried to feel me up on the bus.

    When I was about 21 I got goosed by a stranger at a bar while having a drink with girlfriends.

    I’ve been goosed at the grocery store by a stranger. When I gawked at him he said simply, “I liked the goods” and walked away.

    And the one that pisses me off more than anything: when I was about 22, I got kicked out of a bar for punching a drunk asshole off a bar stool when he was harassing me and trying to touch me without my permission. Because what I did was inappropriate but he was well within his rights to sexually harass and assault me.

  14. What a coincidence. We are in the middle of sexual harassment case at work. One colleague actually fondled some lady’s ass. FONDLED! AT WORK! We have fully grown, well-educated men…and they still do this. And when we got angry-because this was not the first case, but it was the first time an ass was involved, they are now playing the victim card and saying the ladies are ganging up against them! Crazy world.

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