A brief conversation I had with a cookie.

It was decided on New Years that I was going to lose some weight for when I go to Europe in June. It’s always nice to have goals, right? Not that I complete most of them, or…any…of them, but according to other people, it’s nice to look back on the year and see how far you’ve progressed. I guess in my case, it’s always nice to look back on the year of uncompleted resolutions. And then make new ones! The cycle continues!

Life is a revolving door of failures when you’re fresh out of fucks to give but full of cookies to eat.

But this time, I’m going to try hard kind of. I mean, sure, it’s already March and I have done practically nothing to better this bod, but I’M STARTING NOW. I would say “I don’t necessarily want to LOSE weight, I just want to ~~feel good~~” like I normally would, but fuck that. Bitch wants to drop some poundage. People who say they don’t want to lose weight and just want to feel good are generally full of shit.

I’ve always thought that I’m now at a weight where I won’t get skinny shamed. I’m not fat, but I’m definitely not skinny. If Goldilocks were a lesbian, she’d pick me. But instead, I still get skinny shamed. It just doesn’t matter what size you are, there is always someone bigger or smaller than you ready to drop some hard shame on you.

When it comes to skinny shaming, it’s the people telling me to shut the fuck up when you deny a cookie because you’re trying to eat healthier. It’s the people rolling their eyes in my direction and scoff when I say I shouldn’t go out tonight because I planned on going to yoga. It’s the people who tell me I can’t complain about how I look because they’re fatter than me. Etcetera, etcetera.

I know from experience because it happens all the time.


Does it help make you feel better about yourself? Are you just annoyed that someone is skinnier than you?  I’m sure some people will even claim they’re just trying to compliment me but it’s all about that tone and facial expression, yo.

I’ve definitely shamed my Skinnier Than Me friend Jess whenever she sends me a picture of her outfit or something. “You skinny bitch” or “go eat an entire turkey” are usually the first things to come out of my mouth. But when real talk happens and we complain about a fat day, fat moment, hatred of a body part, I would never tell her to STFU about it.

Even though I’m a size 8 which, in my opinion, is a size that is Just Fine For Me, I’m allowed to have issues with my body.

Size 0? Officially allowed to have issues with your body.
Size 4? Officially allowed to have issues with your body.
Size 16? Officially allowed to have issues with your body.

Who the fuck doesn’t.

SO, enough of this shit.

I managed to walk past a cookie today without eating it. Cookies are my weakness. All of them. I want ALL OF THEM AT ALL TIMES FOREVER IN AND AROUND MY MOUTH.

There’s an area at work in which cookies are a plenty. Specifically, oreos. That shit is my jam. Daily, I walk by there and grab one. I’m not kidding when I say daily. And sometimes, I will grab 2. SOMETIMES I WILL GRAB 3 BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF.

But today, your good pal Carolyn managed to go without cookie today. Here’s the sad truth though: I definitely stared at the box of oreos for longer than I care to admit. So, without further ado, here is the conversation I had with an oreo cookie.

Me: Hi cookie.
Oreo: Oh hi fatty.
Me: Why are you so mean to me.
Oreo: Because you let me.
Me: I’ve had ex-boyfriends who were nicer than you.
Oreo: The difference between me and an ex is that I’m always around. You can’t ever get rid of me. I might not be right in front of you all the time, but I’m there.
Me: You are the herpes of desserts.
Oreo: Basically.
Me: That actually kind of helps me not want to eat you.
Me: NO.
Oreo: EAT ME.
Me: NO.
Oreo: EAT ME.
Me: NO.
Oreo: I am but one oreo.
Me: You make a good point.
Oreo: EAT ME.
Me: NO.

And just like anyone in an abusive relationship should do, I just got up and left. I left that oreo bitch behind and I never went crawling back. I’m sure there will be days I give in and have a cookie, but gone are the days when I have more than one (this is probably a lie), gone are the days I get bullied by food (I can guarantee this is a lie), gone are the moments when I give in to my temptations (LOLOLOL).

But today I walked past a cookie.

Cookie 2

12 Responses

  1. “If Goldilocks were a lesbian, she’d pick me.” haaaaa

    I would kill to be skinny shamed. SKINNY SHAME ME, GOD DAMMIT

  2. People like to try to undermine other’s healthy food choices, as that makes them feel better about their own shitty lack of willpower.

    That said, I can walk away from Oreo’s…but pastries know how to manipulate me. Especially anything strudel or strudel adjacent.

  3. I hate skinny shaming. Everyone seems to think that because I’m skinny, it’s okay to comment on everything that does and does not go into my mouth.

  4. Meanwhile, in another part of the universe, the uneaten Oreo is being placed on administrative leave for not fulfilling his job duties. So when you DO finally succumb to the Oreo goodness, as we all eventually do, just think of it as your contribution to help lower unemployment. It’s a public service, really. Throw that thing in your mouth and hold your head high…

  5. Oh my fuck. The goldilocks lesbian part. I died. If you were a lesbian I’d choose you just for coming up with that hilarious line.

    Ps. “Life is a revolving door of failures when you’re fresh out of fucks to give but full of cookies to eat.” I’m getting that tattooed on the small of my back.
    Pps. It’s going to have butterflies around it
    Ppps. And probably some tribal
    Pppps. I stole this PS thing from another blogger.

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