Basic Pitches: Grown Ups.


My spirit animal – Lady Dickson – has bestowed on me the honourable task of creating a pitch meeting for a terrible movie. Not only do I have to carry this task on my weak-ass shoulders, but it’s going to be a monthly terror that we’ll both have to subject our procrastinating asses to. Enter Basic Pitches. Did you just shit? I did. (Credit for that gem of a name goes to Lady D.) So what movie might you ask? Grown Ups. Remember when Adam Sandler used to be funny? Me too, kind of. His quick witted writing ability more or less ended after Wedding Singer. Ever since, I don’t know if he’s run out of ideas or he’s knowingly running spoof movie after spoof movie. I’ll never know. Grown Ups is an example of what obviously came out of a drunken conversation between Sandler and his stable of recurring, garbage actors. It’s not as bad as some of his other gems like Little Nicky and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (which is widely regarded by the internet as a step backwards in the equal rights movement). I digress. Enter … what I imagine the conversation went like.

Picture Sandler, Spade, James and Schneider a case of Miller Lite deep, playing ping pong in what I can only assume is Spade’s mother’s basement.

Spade: *Spade defeats Sandler in a game of ping pong* BOOM! You’d think over the years you’d be better at this game, but I will always be the reigning champ.

Sandler: You’re awfully confident for someone who looks like the love child between Siegfried and Roy.

Spade: Ooo ouch. Why don’t you get back to me when you get that beak on your face taken care of.

James: You guys! *Hiccup* I just had the best idea. We should make one big movie of us ripping on each other.

Grown Ups

Schneider: Isn’t that what we do … every movie?

Sandler: Oh well excuse me for keeping all of you dutifully employed and placing a Mercedes Benz in all of your damn driveways for the past 20 years.

James: No, no. It’ll be funny. I mean we’ve done everything right? We can all just pretty much play ourselves and we can spend the entire movie, essentially, broing down. I can be the honourable fat guy, of course. Adam you can basically play yourself, except we should change your career to something else so it’s not TOTALLY identical. And David, you can play the character you always play, the creepy asshole.

Spade: I resent that comment.

Sandler: I can be an agent or something, but still be as rich as I am in real life. I’ll need a fall-out-of-a-magazine hot wife though, live up some unfulfilled dreams. Y’know.

James: Well, obviously. We’ll need to get Chris in here to be our poster black guy y’know, for obvious reasons.

Sandler: So what’s the premise then? We’ll need some kind of story line or we’ll just be the assholes that make one big bro-time movie.

James: Gah. You’re right.

**Enter Chris Rock**

Rock: What are you guys doing? You guys up for me kicking your ass in basketball, once again?

Spade: Do you think cause you’re black, you always win at basketball?

Rock: Wow, could you try to not be racist for two seconds?

Spade: What now I’m racist?!

Sandler and James: Yeah. You’re racist.

James: WAIT! That’ll be the premise. We’ll have our group of incestuous bros meet in elementary school, all of us playing on the basketball team! But we’ll need something to bring us back together… and we’ll need to basically do one big bottle episode for the entire movie, and then we don’t need to spend money on more than one set.

Schneider: Why don’t we make it so the coach dies, and we all have to get back together for the funeral?

James: Brilliant!

Schneider: I think if we’re going to do that, I’d really like to explore a borderline homosexual, new-agey character. I’ll acquire a few mala beads and we can have a recurring joke about how I make my own salve out of … I dunno, corn. And I can call it maize instead of corn.

Grown Ups

Spade: Maize. Ah-maize-ing.

Rock: I don’t wanna do another movie where I’m your token fuckin’ black guy.

Sandler: Ahhh c’mon, you aren’t our token black guy, we just keep you on the payroll so people don’t think we’re racists.

Rock: I’m not doin’ it man! I’m not meeting your shitty diversity index!

Sandler: Okay okay, how about instead of playing the standard black character, we’ll make it so that you have a wife, and she’s the one that works for a living and instead YOU stay home and play holly-black-guy-homemaker. We can run a couple jokes about how you spend all day watching Rachel Ray and making rice pilaf.

Rock: You don’t even know what rice pilaf is.

Sandler: Would you rather make fried chicken?

Rock: That’s EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Motha fuckin’ white mother fuckers.

Sandler: Okay so Chris is in. Rob? You’re going to do some kind of character that’s going to make us all feel uncomfortable. James you’ll play yourself, I’ll play myself and Spade will play who he essentially hopes to be.

Spade: And I resent THAT comment.

James: So after the funeral, we should all get together at a cabin for the whole weekend. All of us, including wives – we’ll need those – Chris should have a mother-in-law who hates him for sure, and all our kids. Sandler’s character should, obviously, have terrible, awful children. Spoiled. Oh! And Sandler should have an Asian nanny. Hey Adam you could just ask your current nanny to play the part. Save us some money.

Schneider: Sounds like a proverbial sausage fest.

Spade: Woah! Big words – take it easy.

James: Right. We need some boobs, or some ass. Something to separate all of the fun-loving, good-feeling, dudes upon dudes. OH! If Rob is going to play a terrible, hideous character, we should have his bastard daughters show up at the cabin and they’ll be ridiculously, not-even-right hot. Not even possible that he played a part in creating these women.

Spade: Mm. Maybe they’ll roll up in a car, and she’ll open the hood and we can slo-mo the camera and the smoke under the hood will blow into her face and open up her blouse… mmm..

Sandler: You wanna be left alone for a second?

Schneider: It needs to have a message or the producers won’t go for it.

Sandler: Don’t I own a production company? We can produce whatever we want!

James: That’s true… maybe at the end all our characters will appreciate the time we spent, but I think it should more so be a 2 hour movie about maize, fart and vegan jokes.

Spade: Can we spend a good deal of time ripping on Rob? I feel like he deserves it.

James: Definitely. This is gonna be the easiest 20 million we make this year boys! Chris! WRITE IT!

Rock: Fuckin’ white guys.

Check out my pitch over at Happily Hostile!


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