What it’s like to receive your first dick pic.

Here I am trying to be nice and explain how snapchat works to a friend….

I had just tweeted about how excited I was that Norman Reedus has joined the snapchat world (bigbaldheadchat for those of you who are interested) when my friend Jeff popped the question “I still have yet to see someone sufficiently explain what snapchat is” which I realize now is not a question.

Me:  It is literally just sending people photos or 10 second videos. But instead of the photos/videos saving, they disappear once you’ve seen them. It’s superb for dick pics, really.

After a solid unnecessary 5 minute conversation about dick pics, I naturally tweeted “just had my longest conversation about dick pics” AS YOU DO RIGHT? Put down the social media, Carolyn, and walk away.

Not…..10 seconds later, I get a notification. Excited that maybe Cosmopolitan has totally obviously tweeted about my awesome blog, I click on it only to find a naked man hanging brain all up on my computer screen.

No. Do not want.

My immediate reaction was definitely bursting out laughing. Then I got angry and tweeted back a giant “FUCK YOU”. But instead of him just NOT responding, he had the audacity of tweeting back at me:

“Keep it between us, just rate it.”

Man, you have some BALLS, even though they are not evident in the photo. I decided enough was enough and blocked him. But before that, I went to his page to see how exciting his life possibly could be. All of the photos he has posted are of the same dick pic. And there are a LOT. Keep it between us….and the entire internet, thnx.

Before I blocked him, I decided to report him. I’ve definitely blocked a few people on twitter in my life because creepers gonna creep, but I’ve never reported anyone. This time, I had to put in a reason as to why I was reporting this dude. The screen came up and said “Please explain below why you are reporting this asshole” or something like that.

Me: He sent me a dick pic!

And report.
Wait, did I just yell at the blockers about him sending me a dick pic? I feel like I could have worded that…better. But you know, why not get right to the point. So BigBigdave5558, here’s my review of your dick pic:

I’ve seen better.

I find it wildly amusing that I just watched this episode last night.



2 Responses

  1. Hahaha you crack me up. I’ve never used snapchat. I don’t understand the picture disappearing thing. If you’re on a phone/ipad can’t you just take a screenshot of what you’re looking at?! Dick pics are disturbing. They aren’t exactly attractive. I don’t enjoy seeing random peens. BigBigDave sounds like a class act.

    1. Oh you can definitely screen shot that shit! But you can also adjust the length of time the picture stays up. So I’m betting a lot of dick pics are actually only up for like, 3 seconds. Not enough time to screenshot but definitely enough time to notice the peen.

      I’ve thought about this too much.

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