Shockingly, I am not a whore.

It takes an army to offend me so when I saw that my 10 Things Men Find Unattractive About Women post explode into the world, I was fully prepared for people to come out and rip me a new one with the use of words like “bitch” and “troll” and “stupid”. To my surprise, the more popular it got the more praise I was getting. And when the nasty comments inevitably started to roll in, instead of freaking out and being upset about it, my reaction was “Jesus, finally…”

But instead of the fabulous descriptive words above being used, it was “whore” and “hoe” popping up. Wait, what?

WHORE
noun

derogatory
noun: whore; plural noun: whores
  1. a prostitute.
    • a promiscuous woman.

I would have understood bitch, troll and stupid. Those I could have climbed on board with. But whore and hoe are completely out of left field. Where was I when I became a prostitute?!

Hold up, I think I know where this is coming from. It’s because I talked about penises and vaginas all willy nilly. I mean, that has to be it right? Because not once did I mention how I get paid to sit and spin 12 different dicks a day. Which I don’t, let’s just clarify that.

Am I not allowed to talk frankly about genitalia without repercussion? Don’t even tell me it’s because I’m a WOMAN and said these words. I’m going to pretend that ISN’T the reason because it’s fucking 2016.

Calling a complete stranger a whore is a shitty accusation. I know that it’s a very common term among literally everyone but unless you are using it in a completely obvious joking tone, because we ALL have, it’s really unnecessary and should be eliminated from the human language.

Don’t worry, I do realize that even just using the term in jest isn’t cool. You are still acknowledging the fact that Sleeping With Everyone Means You’re A Whore. Only you make yourself feel better about it because everyone is laughing along with you. It’s the equivalent of saying “I’m not racist, but…” and saying something completely racist. Don’t worry sweetheart, I can see right through your bullshit.

Anyways, please explain to me how it is affecting YOU personally how many men a woman sleeps with? Unless girlfriends next target is my husband, the fucks I give are zero. Go smash your clam with everyone in Canada if that’s your prerogative. Give em hell. With protection. Unless you are banging your feelings away the way I eat my feelings, then everything is going to be okay.

How I Am Not A “Whore”

  1. I have a husband. Sure, that label hasn’t stopped people from sleeping with others, but that just ain’t my jam.
  2. Even when I was single, I didn’t know how to sleep with random people. I would go to the bar, dance with my friends, dance with a hot stranger, and he’d be like “sup girl, wanna bang” or something a LOT more eloquent than that (or in some cases, not) and I would run away. Never EVER did “the reason I will not sleep with this person is because I might get labeled a whore” cross my mind. I’d see my friends meet a guy, make sure he wasn’t a skeez, and off home with dude they went! And instead of throwing shade and exclaiming YOU GODDAMN HOE, I gave them the thumbs up and went home. Because it’s none of my FUCKING business.
  3. I’m too busy watching Netflix.

“Women sleep with a lot of men because they have no self worth”
In some cases, yes, but a lot of us just want to get laid.

What exactly is the maximum number of dicks you are allowed to be on/around before you are labeled a whore? I guess it all depends on how close you are to Jesus. People need to stop being so fucking sensitive. Let’s just let everyone live their lives.

Yes I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I love hearing every single one of them, but, when your opinion is wrong, y’all are gonna hear about it. I might be an insufferable bitch but I do not sleep around, and if I did

get over it nicki minaj

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hang out with my husband, plan my world domination and go to bed at a reasonable time. Shit, it’s Saturday, fine I’ll stay up until midnight like the goddamn whore that I am.

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Shockingly, I am not a whore.

  1. MSP

    #1- all of these ARE totes things I might say… except I bet I’ve smashed my clam a lot more than you have (because I was single for longer… OH and because I AM CLEARLY A WHORE) so yea..
    #2- I much prefer the term “slore” – my sister and I coined it, it’s a slutty whore who clearly doesn’t get actually paid to fuck around (you know like most of us sluts;))
    #3 – in the spirit of making you feel better… you are a bitch (but that’s why we’re friends xo), and most Def a total troll, because really, who doesn’t love getting people worked up over ridiculous shit just to show them how ridiculous they are?! But I don’t think I’d use the word stupid to describe you. Just Graeme; )

    Reply
  2. Lindsey

    I think our friend was calling you a “psycho hose beast,” which is both accurate and an excellent Wayne’s World reference. Too bad his lack of spelling acumen got in the way of a perfectly good irrelevant pop culture reference.

    To be fair, he is 100% correct that you are not a Good Christian Homemaker Wife. GOD CAROLYN WHY ARE YOU MAD THAT HE’S RIGHT.

    Reply
  3. monkeyvault

    I wish my dad was here so he could tell you that being a whore is actually better than a slut because AT LEAST WHORES GET PAID LOL LOL LOL LOL.

    Now my only life goal is to be awful enough in the comments to get you to write entries about me.

    Reply
  4. Andrea

    Mylady,

    I was delighted to read your postings, but here and the 10 things men find unatractive. I cracked up.

    I am starting my blog, today. my first two posts are written, any advice for a beginner? I am still deciding on platform, how to get syndicated, what site or brand to use for my blog. Etc.

    Thank you!

    Reply
  5. Barb M

    I’m pretty sure you are the funniest person I’ve encountered online in a long time. Of that makes you a whore, please continue being a whore. I also suppose that makes me a whore…

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *