Carolyn watches Harry Potter. Part 1.

I watched the first Harry Potter movie last night. For the first time ever. I know I know I know, I suck. I should have watched it forever ago because watching it now as 28 year old was…..not ideal, I guess I will say. I know you’re supposed to watch/read them when you’re young and grow up with them BUT I DIDN’T. I might have the maturity of an 11 year old, but I can’t stand children’s movies unless they’re from the 90s or older Disney Movies. And that’s what the first couple of HP movies are. Children’s movies.

I also hate children so. THAT.

Here is my live “tweeting” experience of watching Harry Potter.

BUT FIRST, some back story.

Back when HP arrived on the big screen, a little ol’ movie called Lord of the Rings also came out. And back then, I was forced to be either a fan of one or the other. I remember multiple battles of NO HARRY POTTER IS BETTER vs NO YOU DUMB DUMB, LOTR’S IS BETTER. And I chose the side of hobbits, which has been one of the best decisions of my life. I don’t…do a lot.

I will be watching all of the movies, but definitely not back to back. Girlfriend gonna need some time to get through these. I’ve been told by BASICALLY everyone I know that the first two movies are not the best but they get better and better as you go through them. Well I should hope so.

Things I Know About Harry Potter

  1. They are wizards. All…of them….I think. Probably.
  2. Hogwarts is the school they attend.
  3. Alan Rickman is in it and plays Snape whoever the fuck that is.
  4. Gryffindor is a thing.
  5. I know what it means to “pull a Neville Longbottom.”
  6. Dumbledore is basically Gandalf.
  7. David Tennant is in it for a hot minute.

That’s it. For how many damn years HP has been out and how explosive the fandom is, that is all I know about Harry Potter. The fact that I spend most of my days on the internet looking at memes and buzzfeed, it’s very surprising I haven’t had anything spoiled for me. I don’t know who dies, who lives, who bangs each other, who turns into a…toad…or whatever, so it would be TOP NOTCH if no one spoiled it for me.

Don’t be that asshole or I will destroy you.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Right off the bat, there is a wizard. Classic. Are you Dumbledore? I bet this is Dumbledore.

MAGGIE SMITH. Already this movie is awesome.

Guy flying in on a motorcycle, what the literal fuck. Oh hey it’s Gimli.

Holy only child syndrome batman.

Did Harry Potter invent throwing shade. GIIIIIIIIIRL.

Stupid annoying cousin. White privilege central. I hope this snake eats your face. Although, childrens movie, so probably not.

The police are going to murder the fuck out of that snake once it gets out of the zoo.


Harry Potter making a sand doodle of a birthday cake and blowing out the “candles” is one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen.

“My name is Herpding Perter. I am nerp a wazord.”

The kid stealing Harry’s cake while everyone talks about shit he’s not involved in is me.

Spiritus Animus.

I don’t like owls at all. So this is great.

Can Harry’s dead parents adopt me. That’s a lot of moolah.

First Maggie Smith and now John Hurt. Is everyone awesome in this movie? The answer is yes because Alan Rickman.

“We don’t speak his name” Oh, that’s the uh, guy. With no nose. And really….bald. Fuck, what’s his name.


WTFFFFFF, is that Amy Ponds house!?!??!!??! Yep YEP IT TOTALLY IS. I love how all British Things And People are in all British Things. Is there only one house in England.

Aww, baby Ron. He’s probably going to be my favourite out of the three.

Woooo Hogwarts. Such pretty.

I am definitely going to hate Draco based on his hair.

THAT’S THE CARETAKER. Come on, these are children.

Yeah, I’m going to need Dumbledore’s magical way of putting food on the table just out of nowhere. That is the super power I want.


The staircases and pictures move, everyone has an owl. So this is my fucking nightmare.

Can we just have Snape teach everything thanks.

Classic Neville and his broomstick, am I right.

Hermione’s crimped hair is so on fleek for 2001.

Awwww three headed puppy.

Child acting is my favourite and not at all the worst.

I am Ron Weasley.

I’m not gonna lie, this is becoming wildly painful to watch.



This is a childrens movie, this is a childrens movie, this is a childrens movie….

The three headed dogs name is Fluffy. I love you.

Hagrid is such a gossipy bitch. Do you even keep secrets, bro.


JFC get out of my LIFE. 

I wish Alan Rickman was Harry Potter. He’d be in more scenes.

I bet Harry’s parents are alive. Calling it now.

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live” I bet 10,000 basic bitches have that tattooed on themselves. It’s a solid quote though so I don’t blame you.

I want a dragon.

Yeah let the caretaker take the kids to their sexy detention.


Aaaaaaand a centaur saves the day. What is happening.

I would leave Hogwarts immediately.

It’s not danger coming when your head hurts, Harry. It’s a headache. Possibly a tumour. Seek medical attention.

Is it weird to be turned on by Snape. Don’t answer that.

Trevor the frog. I can’t with these fucking pet names. It’s the best part of the movie.

Ron using chess to save lives and sacrifice himself. He’s after my heart. Which is creepy because he’s 11.

Oh snap, I did not see that coming.

Voldemort has a nose! Good for him.

I hope Snape saves the day.

You’re trying to kill a child, bro. Good luck in prison.

The similarities between Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings is actually ridiculous.

Awww Neville. He’s just so shocked. And happy. Go on Nev.

Way to destroy the fuck out of Slytherin’s happiness. Screw you children, this is life, nothing but crippling disappointment.

How did child services never get called on Hagrid for kidnapping Harry. “because Harry wanted to go!” EVER HEARD OF STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

The end.
(Thank Christ….)

((Wondering where I got these screen caps? I GOT THEM FROM HERE: and there are lots and it’s great and awesome.))


12 Responses

  1. We might not be able to be friends anymore. I was okay with you being oblivious to the magical world of Harry Potter but now, nope. Friends off. 😉

  2. I got to “I don’t like owls at all” and immediately quit reading. Because if you don’t like owls at all, I’m not sure I like YOU at all.

    (Is that a youtube-esque enough comment for you? BITCH?)

    Also when it comes to Harry Potter I live in NO FUCKS land.

  3. But but owls are soooooo cute. And yeah I can’t wait till you keep going cuz these movies get legit terrifying.

  4. Ha! I’ve had some of the same reactions verbatim. Except that I love owls. You might need to write an entry about how everyone jumped on you for not liking owls.

  5. “I love how all British Things And People are in all British Things. Is there only one house in England.”

    Lmao. Yes. Yes there is.

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