God bless America.

I am a Canadian living in Canada. And thank god for that. The thought of living in America gives me hives. Millions of people do it every day and ya’ll must be living in actual goddamn fear for ya’lls lives. That’s right kids, buckle up and roll your eyes, it’s time for this Canadian to pipe in on the lack of gun control in my neighbouring country.

I read this article this morning and found myself shaking my head, getting red hot with rage, and exclaiming in my basic bitch voice “I can’t EVEN” a few times. If you’re not going to read the article, here’s what happened:

A 14 year old left for school only to turn back because he didn’t feel like going. We’ve all been there, ain’t nobody wanna go to school. His dad was still at home and heard a noise coming from the basement. In a panic for some reason, dad grabs his fucking gun, as you apparently do, and goes to investigate quietly instead of shouting “who’s there?” or something common sense-y. The son jumps out and dad shoots him in the neck.

What. The FUCK.

So this leads me back to the whole American’s Must Live Their Lives In Actual Goddamn Fear Every Day theory because you know what happened whenever I skipped school and went home only to find a parent still there? I DIDN’T get shot in the neck.

Are people really that paranoid that every bump in the night is obviously an intruder and must be shot dead LEST YE BE SHOT FIRST? I mean, this shit keeps happening so it MUST BE TRUE. IT HAS TO BE TRUE.

The amount of shootings that occur every single day in America is genuinely appalling, so maybe if I lived there, I would be trigger happy too. This is just one of the many reasons I will never live in America. When I was in Phoenix, we would watch the news every morning. And every morning, there was a section of the news dedicated to all the shootings that happened the day before. JUST IN PHOENIX. Not even branching out nation wide. JUST. PHOENIX.

It was absolutely shocking. It pointed out the fact that unless more than roughly 3 or more people are killed in a single shooting, it’s not even worth mentioning nationally or in Canada.

Americans were shot by toddlers 43 times this year. In 31 cases, a toddler found a gun and shot themselves. This is another headline I read. Guys, this is….preventable. By not…having guns. But you just fucking know the gun owning people who have children who HAVEN’T shot themselves or other people are screaming “IT HASN’T HAPPENED TO MY FAMILY SO WHY SHOULD WE LET A COUPLE DEAD TODDLERS RUIN THIS FOR THE REST OF US. PEOPLE JUST NEED TO KEEP THEIR GUNS MORE SECURE.”

The obvious solution here is to throw more guns at people. Classic NRA. You guys slay me. You know what’s great about Canada? Ryan Gosling. But more importantly: having gun control. People who own guns here are police officers or hunters going hunting. Obviously Canada isn’t perfect and we have shootings but they are so goddamn rare in contrast to America.

Shit I Hear When People Defend Guns:


Yes. You are correct. But also, fuck you. Out of all the people I know, I only know of one person who owns a gun. Oh wait, sorry, two. But the second one is a police officer. I don’t know how to get a gun. I don’t know where to buy one. I don’t know how to get my license. I have never seen a sign or advertisement here about Where To Buy A Gun! Come On Down, BOGO ON GUNS. I’ve never seen a gun outside of a shooting range or on the hip of a police officer.


Yeah, the constitution also banned alcohol, forbade women and black people to vote, and my personal favourite: “hmm maybe slavery ISN’T so neat. LET’S AMEND THAT.” So. THINGS CHANGE. And you know why? Because things have to change. It’s 2016, people. Let’s give our fucking heads a shake and stop living in the 1700s. You’ve managed, well most of you anyways, to get over women and black people being Involved In Life Decisions, why the fuck can you not get over the fact that guns can and OBVIOUSLY HAVE had a result in violence? When is it ever going to be enough for you guys?

guns are fun


11 thoughts on “God bless America.

  1. Shannon

    Loved this entry, especially the Ryan Gosling comment.

    The US really needs to change their laws… It is so frustrating hearing all of these stories about gun violence, accidental shootings and especially children coming in contact with their parents guns… All of which could have been avoided.

    I don’t know a single person who owns a gun and you know what? I feel safe.

  2. Jon Doe


    Yes, the Gun Nuts tend to be the most overly paranoid fraidy cats I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting. I’m convinced they suffer from mild schizophrenia – They even have the “gubment’s out to get me!” paranoia. I know someone, personally, who was about 2 seconds away from being shot because she knocked on her neighbor’s door in the middle of the day.

    Most people in the aforementioned group are actually not OK with women and black people being involved in decisions. It explains a lot.

    Of course the NRA wants to throw guns at people, they’re the ones selling the guns.

  3. monkeyvault

    I wish the NRA literally threw guns at people.

    Or fired guns out of a T-shirt gun, except it’s a gun and not a T-shirt.

  4. isaidnoh

    You know what I am scared of in my neighbourhood? Petty theft. There’s a lot of that shit around here. Worst case scenario, they are going to steal my truck. At the end of the day, it’s just stuff. I don’t have to be scared of guns because no one has them. My BFF has one that she keeps in a locked case, with a trigger lock, and she only has ammo during hunting season. She isn’t going to shoot me with it unless I confront her in the bush in a deer costume during hunting season. And that’s how it should be.

  5. Sam

    Also the second ammendment is bullshit. They only follow and grasp to the first part of the sentence desperately and ignore the second. You have the right to bear arms when part of a well organized militia. What part of walking around as a private citizen open carry is part of a well organized militia?! It’s a joke. The NRA likes when people get shot because that sells more guns. 89% of Americans including NRA members are for background checks and gun control. It’s just the leaders of the NRA and the ass backwards senate who are owned by the NRA that don’t allow legislation to pass. Did you know the NRA just lobbied and the republican controlled senate agreed with them that you should be able to sell guns to those on the terrorist watch list. These people can’t get on a fucking plane but yeah let them buy a gun?! America is fucked at least Obama is trying with his executive action but it’s not enough. There was a mass shooting there everyday in 2015. I could not imagine.


    To be fair, the kid was supposed to be at school. There is a risk one assume when he or she decides to disobey the rules. Perhaps what happened to him will keep other kids from committing truancy.

  7. Shar

    No offense to them, but if you’re stupid enough to have your LOADED GUN out where your toddler can reach it, you kinda deserve to get shot. True story.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *