A horrible preview review.

Imagine the cheesiest movie you’ve ever seen in your life. All about family and values and love and life and God and blah blah blah. Now, if you’re into those kinds of fluffy movies, go away. Chances are, you won’t enjoy my review of a trailer I saw in theatres on the weekend.

I hate these movies nowadays. They suck. 90s family movies are where it’s at. The only movie in this genre post 2000 I will accept is Marley & Me. Mostly because there isn’t mention of God Healing All Things. When we went to see Concussion, there was a trailer for a movie called Miracles From Heaven. Based on that title alone, I knew for a bleeding fact that this was a movie I would never let my eyeballs see.

The trailer told me it’s about a little girl who starts to suffer from an incurable stomach disorder. The parents wouldn’t stand for that so they decided to kEeP tHe FaItH and praise Jesus in order for a cure. One day, Little Girl and presumably sister are climbing a tree whilst parents are off doing something. Probably churching. Or something. The kids fall out of the tree. Little Girl falls into a hole, gets rushed to the hospital and BOOM she is cured of All The Things with no explanation at all.

The goddamn preview ends with Little Girl and Jennifer Garner Mom having a conversation.

LG: He told me he would heal me.
JGM: What….? Who told you?

The camera shows LG’s serene as fuck face and fades to black. I immediately lean over to Graeme and whisper:


He laughed, I laughed, I wish I said it louder so everyone could laugh. Or be horribly offended, I’m okay with either. Apparently this movie is based on a true story. When LG falls into the hole, she goes to Heaven and hangs out with God and his crew for a while. He tells her that when she wakes up, she won’t have any more pain. Well apparently he nailed it. Good job God, you go Glen Coco.

At the end of an interview/story about the book it says, “Beam said that she and her daughter believe that the story, which is captured in the book “Miracles From Heaven” and will be a feature film set to release in 2016, will change lives and people’s personal relationships with God.”

Based on that last part, I now want to see this movie because false. It will change zero percent about what I believe in. But you will more than likely forever be hailed as a Feel Good Family film. The movie looks terrible, as everyone else around us in the theatre confirmed, and I’d rather watch Human Centipede with my parents than be forced to see it. But if you need this movie in your life, I hope it RKO’s you outta nowhere with a surprise horror film about a little girl being cured by the devil.


I should have children.


13 Responses

  1. hahaha…you should really look up “Heaven is for Real” then – It was a book that became a movie…Pretty much about the exact same thing.

  2. We need to hang out.

    I’ve been casually tallying a list of actors in my head over the years based on their bad script choices so that all I have to do now is glance at the DVD jacket, see their name, and put that shit back on the library shelf before it makes it into my memories. The whole deus ex machina crap is a major qualifying factor on that list. Also, Scientology (Sorry Will Smith, cat’s outta the bag).

    I can’t BELIEVE I watched “Little House on the Prairie” as a child. I may vomit.

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